venting everything.. or almost

after several draft posts, i decided to delete them all and post this one.

i am stressed about going away. i'm not a totally independant person, so being on my own is a big deal. especially in a foreign country where i know no one in the school. yeah, i'm going to be 22. but seriously, i'm going to learn what it really is like to be independant when i'm in Perth. call me a late bird but maybe that's what i am. that's all i really need to be really, independant. and confident that God will see me through all this going on. i haven't even gone and people are ruining my life. please, if you're seriously happy for my studying abroad, show it. if not, i want to quit now. so i don't have to take the rubbish tomorrow. seriously, it was all rubbish. you're just venting off heat coz i won't be around and you want me to be around as much as i can before i'm gone so you won't feel lonely. but seriously, you're not helping me at all! you really insulted me today. i love my grandpa. i really do. and to think you'd sink to say something that low makes me sick. makes me even wonder if you really do have such a close relationship with God. i know he's going to go some time soon. but whenever that will be and wherever that will be, WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. only God has. i accept that. i don't think you have. you just want to be there all the time, but when he was at my house you came only when you could. he could've died way before if we weren't there for him, in july 2005 mind you. i was there. i saw what it was like to see him as if he was going to die any minute. don't come with your bullshit and talk to me as if i've not been there. i have. we all have. i never said anything to hurt you. you only think you hear things just to satisfy your damn self. if you ever wanna call me selfish for not wanting to see him, speak for yourself. coz that's what you do. only think of yourself. i can't be bothered anymore. i've distanced myself so much, but there's only so far i can distance myself. if he goes when i'm in perth, you're going to be the one here. NOT ME. i'll be the one having to travel all the way back in a plane filled with strangers, probably crying coz he's gone, while you're there by his side. think how much it feels for me. yes, i could've gone to see him. but today i felt it wouldn't make much difference. is it so bad we have difference in opinions? i learnt the hard way that it's not that bad at all. in fact, it's what makes us unique individuals. and i am unique. i don't want to be someone i'm not. i don't want to be like someone who looks so beautiful but went through so much pain to get there. we have our own beauty and that's looking deep inside yourself, not going out to find it. where is yours? why haven't you used it to be more appealing, nicer, kinder, humble? you've clouded yourself, and your judgement too. you're not intune. yeah sure you can have new people to go out with. but stop talking about the same old things. with every new person you meet, you're still stuck in 2002. i've learnt people do change. why can't you? change for the better. it's not as bad as it seems you know. you tell people to stop being complacent, well here's an opening for you!

gramps... ecu... padma... and now you're trying to make things worse for me. you don't know nothing of what i'm going through so don't assume you know everything. especially, when people, who have been your friend for the past 7 years, ignore you for some reason or other. i can't tell what coz obviously i'm being ignored. maybe it's a, "Do unto others what you would want done unto you" thing happening. long story. no seriously. it is a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong story. well, cut to the chase, basically i'm not doing unto others what i'd want done unto myself. so i think that's what's happening now. but i don't want to believe that. why can't you just say "hello sorry i can't talk right now but...." or "having a rough time now and...." or you could just pass a message on to someone whom you might've talked to on the phone. yeah i do want your number still. but i think i might as well get it in june at the rate things are going. i'm sorry if i've been a pain in the ass msning you and smsing you ONCE and friendstering you to ask if anything's wrong or how's it going. i'm only asking. no strings attached. i'm just venting out a lot of hot air right now. i don't feel good about a lot of things and somehow your "thing" seems to be the one that's affecting me the most, to be quite candid about it. as you know i'm now talking about someone wholly different.

if you don't like me tell me! as much as i care i won't bother you no more! if not, stop doing this then!

ok now you can kill me.