catastrophe

yeah so i figured maybe i should just burst. i mean what's the use in taking it all for i-don't-know-how-many-years and not saying anything. but then again how do i say anything at all. i mean what's the use. i say and i say and i say but it's never going to be taken seriously. i mean i'm just one huge joke. nobody really takes anything i say seriously. especially you. it's like all i say is meaningless rubbish. it's like you can feel angry, irritated, bitchy, jealous, whiny, angry, depressed, sickly, irritated, angry, irritated, angry, but! i can't. it's like when i do feel those ways i just get hounded down for being like that. and when i tell you about how're it's you who are like that, you go on about.. hmm.. better not say.. oh wow. it's like i'm holy moses. Jesus! help me coz i'm drowning in this sea of major frustration and i need a place to vent. so here you are blog! i'm nicely displaying my thoughts for all those who read this. yes. all this pent up anger is not helping. it's not coz of late nights. it's not coz of lack of sleep. it's not coz of gramps. it's not coz of... no. it's coz of you i feel like i don't want to go there anymore. and of late, it's been worse. and hell! you've been making me feel all those ways. but now i try not to feel those ways anymore. coz what's the use. whenever you start your rubbish, i think of something that makes me smile and i forget all the rubbish you did or said. yeah, yeah. you're just angry at the situation. i don't think so. that's just an excuse. a huge excuse. which i believe is getting very over-used. i'm sick of it. it just sounds so fake. and so many things you do are so fake. not real. and some ... are just non-existent. why are you lying to me half the time? there are so many people who've lied to me before and who probably still believe me to be a gullible idiot. i'm so wary of what people say that half the time i'm wondering if what people say is true. it's like i can't trust anyone. and it's all because of all those people who always thought they were better than me. who are two-faced that you just want to scream into their faces and tell them to get a life. coz they don't have God. i love God. i love him so much that i've been trying to be so tolerant of a lot things and people in this life. note, i said trying. i told him yesterday that i will strive to be the most patient person in the world. so patient that people-will-find-me-so-sick kind of patient. until they will complain about my patience. is it worth it? being so patient? always being the one waiting? and i'm not talking about waiting when people are late and stuff. that's a totally different story, coz i know i'm the one who makes people wait when it comes to that. but i don't even like doing that to people. well, i'm striving towards it, greater patience, but i don't know how long it'll last. i should have hope in what i want to do. hope in God. hope. like what Aragorn said in The Two Towers to that boy "There is always hope" and Arwen, "There is still hope". hope. hope hope hope. and i do trust people. but it's only certain people. i mean i only have very few close friends. then there are ones who were and now aren't. is it normal to feel this way? is it normal to feel a lot of the things i'm feeling right now but i can't write any of those feelings down. i've already said to much. more than i think i should. but kill me if you want to. feel offended or surprised. feel shocked or remorse. feel what you want to. coz i'm doing that right now. feeling what i want to. even if it kills me. but trying not to let it affect my life. or at least not to affect the different aspects of my life. coz i don't like doing that. i don't like going around with a black face, not say anything at all, and expect people to feel for me. or go around blaming or making people feel it's their fault that i'm so angry when it wasn't their fault at all. urgh! i hate this. but one thing. don't feel sorry for me or anything. as i've said before. i'm saying all this now. but tomorrow it'll all be forgotten. hmm.. but how's it all going to be forgotten when it's recorded here? on my online journal. for whoever comes to read and see.